For a bookmark-friendly version of this page, click here. Then bookmark this page.

Brain Cramps

I’ve done enough public speaking and media interviews, and have had enough “brain cramps” myself, to appreciate the pressure and the fact that sometimes things can come out a bit more scrambled than I’d like, so I do have some sympathy for these individuals. Still... assuming that these are accurate quotes, they are pretty funny. Thanks to Cara Bockholt for sending these.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
—Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
—Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
—Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
—Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
—Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
—A congressional candidate in Texas

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
—Yogi Berra

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
—Dan Quayle, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
—Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
—Lee Iacocca

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
—Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
—Keppel Enderbery

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
—Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
—Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Please note: This material was forwarded to me with no attribution to the actual author. If you know who created this list, please let me know so I can attribute it properly. Thanks.

Dumb quotes from athletes.

“Fun Stuff” home page.

Handouts and articles for educators, counselors, parents and the general public.

Back

For a bookmark-friendly version of this page, click here. Then bookmark this page.