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Punny Jokes

I love wordplay and jokes that make use of language twists are my favorite, though some of these are real groaners! Thanks to Linda Seaman for these.

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” , they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spai. They name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Speaking of groaners...

These came from an old “humor” file and just so belonged on this page. They came from a bunch of emails I received years ago.

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer,” and the bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”

An old rope and a young rope go into a bar to get a drink. The bartende says, “Sorry, we don’t serve drinks to ropes.” So the two ropes leave. The old rope ties himself into a knot and goes back in. The bartender says, “Are you a rope?” The old rope answers, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu, he says, “I’ll just have the eggs benedict. His order comes a while later and it’s served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the fancy plate?” The waiter replies, “There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

Please note: This material was forwarded to me with no attribution to the actual author. If you know who created this list, please let me know so I can attribute it properly. Thanks.

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