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Excerpted and adapted from 21st Century
Discipline , by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 1999, McGraw-Hill
Children’s Publishing, Grand Rapids, MI, and Parents,
Teens & Boundaries, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., © 2001,
Health Communications, Inc, Deerfield Beach, FL.
Supportive Alternatives for Dealing with
Other People’s Problems and Feelings
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Get clear on your role: Are we there to protect children
or to teach children to protect and defend themselves; to give solutions
or to help them find their own?
Listen. Maintain eye contact, with minimal or no talking.
Distinguish between feelings and behaviors. Remember
that there’s a difference between wanting to hurt someone
and actually hurting someone.
Accept. This means the absence of judgmental, shocked
or disappointed words, looks, body language; not making someone wrong
for his or her feelings.
Validate. Validation is anything you say or do that
recognizes and respects the reality of the child's experience, and gives
the child permission to have his or her feelings.
Maintain your boundaries. Let kids know when you’ll
be available. Watch the tendency to take responsibility for the child’s
feelings or problems by trying to fix the situation, cheer them up (fix
them), or by rescuing or advising.
Provide healthy, non-hurtful outlets for feelings (and
meeting needs)
Askdon’t tell. This is for problem-solving
more than dealing with feelings (affective states). Helps children find
solutions to their own problems, think about options available, anticipate
probable outcomes. Puts you in the role of facilitator or guide. A great
alternative to advice-giving! For more information, click here.
Model and teach conflict-management. Demonstrate non-destructive
ways to have, express, and process feelings; express needs; set and
maintain boundaries.
This page is also available in Spanish and French.
Supporting Kids in Crisis: Non-supportive
patterns to avoid!
Beliefs that Help Create a Safe
Emotional Environment
More information about these books
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
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© 2008, Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., Instructional Support Services, Inc.
Last updated on
October 16, 2006 5:08 PM
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