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Supportive Alternatives for Dealing with Other People’s Problems and Feelings

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

Gold Square Get clear on your role: Are we there to protect children or to teach children to protect and defend themselves; to give solutions or to help them find their own?

Gold Square Listen. Maintain eye contact, with minimal or no talking.

Gold Square Distinguish between feelings and behaviors. Remember that there’s a difference between wanting to hurt someone and actually hurting someone.

Gold Square Accept. This means the absence of judgmental, shocked or disappointed words, looks, body language; not making someone wrong for his or her feelings.

Gold Square Validate. Validation is anything you say or do that recognizes and respects the reality of the child's experience, and gives the child permission to have his or her feelings.

Gold Square Maintain your boundaries. Let kids know when you’ll be available. Watch the tendency to take responsibility for the child’s feelings or problems by trying to fix the situation, cheer them up (fix them), or by rescuing or advising.

Gold Square Provide healthy, non-hurtful outlets for feelings (and meeting needs)

Gold Square Ask–don’t tell. This is for problem-solving more than dealing with feelings (affective states). Helps children find solutions to their own problems, think about options available, anticipate probable outcomes. Puts you in the role of facilitator or guide. A great alternative to advice-giving! For more information, click here.

Gold Square Model and teach conflict-management. Demonstrate non-destructive ways to have, express, and process feelings; express needs; set and maintain boundaries.

Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., (Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Publishing, © 2008), and Parents, Teens & Boundaries, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1995).

Buy The Win-Win Classroom.

Buy Parents, Teens & Boundaries.

This page is also available in Spanish and French.

Checklist: Evaluate Your Relationships

Supporting Kids in Crisis: Non-supportive patterns to avoid!

Beliefs that Help Create a Safe Emotional Environment

Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.

Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Complete alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.

Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.

Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Humor and Fun: Brighten your day with fun facts, short pieces about kids, pets and work, and hilarious things kids say, do and write. Includes items you can share with kids or use as a springboard for discussions and activities.

Please note that not all pages linked in this section are updated and that you make end up on a page with a broken link. The pages will be redone to look this this page and all the links will be checked and errors corrected. Please be patient during our renovation!