Supportive Alternatives for Dealing with
Other People’s Problems and Feelings
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Get clear on your role: Are we there to protect children
or to teach children to protect and defend themselves; to give solutions
or to help them find their own?
Listen. Maintain eye contact, with minimal or no talking.
Distinguish between feelings and behaviors. Remember
that there’s a difference between wanting to hurt someone
and actually hurting someone.
Accept. This means the absence of judgmental, shocked
or disappointed words, looks, body language; not making someone wrong
for his or her feelings.
Validate. Validation is anything you say or do that
recognizes and respects the reality of the child's experience, and gives
the child permission to have his or her feelings.
Maintain your boundaries. Let kids know when you’ll
be available. Watch the tendency to take responsibility for the child’s
feelings or problems by trying to fix the situation, cheer them up (fix
them), or by rescuing or advising.
Provide healthy, non-hurtful outlets for feelings (and
meeting needs)
Ask–don’t tell. This is for problem-solving
more than dealing with feelings (affective states). Helps children find
solutions to their own problems, think about options available, anticipate
probable outcomes. Puts you in the role of facilitator or guide. A great
alternative to advice-giving! For more information, click here.
Model and teach conflict-management. Demonstrate non-destructive
ways to have, express, and process feelings; express needs; set and
maintain boundaries.
Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., (Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Publishing, © 2008), and Parents, Teens & Boundaries, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1995).
Buy The Win-Win Classroom.
Buy Parents, Teens & Boundaries.
This page is also available in Spanish and French.
Checklist: Evaluate Your Relationships
Supporting Kids in Crisis: Non-supportive
patterns to avoid!
Beliefs that Help Create a Safe
Emotional Environment
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.
Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete
alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.
Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.
Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane
Bluestein
Humor and Fun: Brighten your day with fun facts, short pieces about kids, pets and work, and hilarious things kids say, do and write. Includes items you can share with kids or use as a springboard for discussions and activities.
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