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Rules and Beliefs of Unhealthy
Adult-Child Group Systems

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

Rules of Unhealthy Adult-Child Group Systems

Red Square Adults are the masters of the dependent child.
Red Square Adults determine in a godlike fashion what is right and wrong.
Red Square The child is held responsible for the anger of adults.
Red Square [Adults] must always be shielded.
Red Square The child’s life-affirming feelings pose a threat to the autocratic [adult].
Red Square The child’s will must be “broken” as soon as possible.
Red Square All this must happen at a very early age so the child “won't notice” and will not be able to expose the adults.

This information is known as the “poisonous pedagogy” and was taken from For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller, page 59.

Beliefs of Unhealthy Adult-Child Group Systems

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

Red Square A feeling of duty produces love.
Red Square Hatred can be done away with by forbidding it.
Red Square [Adults] deserve respect because they are [adults].
Red Square Children are undeserving of respect simply because they are children.
Red Square Obedience makes a child strong.
Red Square A high degree of self-esteem is harmful.
Red Square A low degree of self-esteem makes a person altruistic.
Red Square Tenderness (doting) is harmful.
Red Square Responding to a child’s needs is wrong.
Red Square Severity and coldness toward a child gives him a good preparation for life.
Red Square A pretence of gratitude is better than honest ingratitude.
Red Square The way you behave is more important than the way you really are.
Red Square Neither [adults] nor God would survive being offended.
Red Square The body is something dirty and disgusting.
Red Square Strong feelings are harmful.
Red Square [Adults] are creatures free of drives and guilt.
Red Square [Adults] are always right. (p. 60).

This list of beliefs was also taken from For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller, page 60.

Comments on Miller’s work by John Bradshaw, from Bradshaw On: The Family: “The ‘poisonous pedagogy’ concept exalts obedience as its highest value. Following...are orderliness, cleanliness, and the control of emotions and desires. Children are considered ‘good’ when they think and behave the way they are taught to think and behave... when they are meek, agreeable, considerate, and unselfish.... Probably no modern [adults] embody all of the above. In fact, some have accepted and imposed the opposite extreme of these beliefs with results just as abusive.”

According to much of the literature, many families function according to many of these rules, which ultimately hurt children. Children come to school with a host of adaptive behaviors they have developed in order to survive in painful families–behaviors often inconsistent with learning and social goals.

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