9 Things to Remember When Setting a Boundary
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Use boundaries to let your students know your limits and tolerances,
your availability, the conditions under which you will participate in
some activity, which privileges are available or the conditions under
which a privilege is available to your students. Use boundaries to give
your students information they can use in making decisions.
Using past experience (and common sense), anticipate what you will want
and what your students will probably want as well. Consider both your
needs and the students’ needs when formulating your boundary.
Be clear and specific about what you’re asking for, what you would
like, which options are available, the times or conditions under which
a positive outcome is available, or any other factors that your students
will need to know in making their choices or anticipating a particular
event.
Communicate your boundary before there is a conflict, or before the
conflict continues or reoccurs: “You can get credit for your
homework as long as it’s on my desk before the 3:30 bell rings
tomorrow.” “I will read as long as it is completely quiet.”
“The hall pass will not be available during the test this afternoon.”
State boundaries positively, as promises rather than threats: “You
can watch the movie if your seatwork is done by 2:00,” rather
than, “You’re not watching the movie if your seatwork
isn’t done by 2:00.”
Be prepared to follow through. If you’re not willing to withhold
positive outcomes until your students do their part–whether it’s
finish their seatwork, complete a chore, put their plan in writing or
tone down their voices–don’t bother setting the boundary in
the first place. (Buy the article on “Following
Through.”)
Examine your attachment to particular outcomes. For example, if you
are heavily invested in your students’ performing at a certain
level in order for you to feel OK about your teaching ability, you may
find yourself asking for excuses or making excuses in order to avoid
following through. Either refrain from setting this boundary (and don’t
complain when your students act irresponsibly) or use your resistance
to following through as a chance to look at your need to protect your
students (or yourself) from the negative outcomes of their behavior
choices.
Watch the tendency to make excuses, give warnings or let things slide
“just this once.” This is a great way to teach kids that you
don’t really mean what you say and that it’s OK to disrespect
your boundaries. If you want to build in some flexibility, do so before
your students blow it. (For example, let students know at the beginning
of the semester that they will be responsible for, say, 37 out of 40
assignments you anticipate giving. Other teaches report giving students
a “Get Out of Jail Free” card each each grading period [or
after the student has done a certain number of assignments in a row]
which can be turned in in place of homework assisgnments or particular
responsibilities. )
If the student is unable to perform or complete his or her end of the
bargain because the request or time limit was truly unreasonable, because
the instructions were not clear or understood, or because the child
was developmentally incapable or lacked the necessary skill or experience
to do what you want, it’s a bad boundary. This is not the same
as making excuses for a developmentally capable kid who simply doesn’t
come through. In this instance, back up and try again (delaying the
request until the child is more capable, setting a different boundary
or offering more clarity, instruction or a more reasonable time limits,
for example). Do not withhold positive outcomes at this time.
Excerpted from The Parent’s Little Book
of Lists: Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting, by Jane Bluestein,
Ph.D. © 1997, Health Communications, Inc, Deerfield Beach, FL.
Other handouts about boundaries:
5 Characteristics of a Good
Boundary
11 Reasons to Use Boundaries
9 Things to Remember When Setting a Good Boundary
Parenting Teens: Where Do You Draw the Line?
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