Excerpted from The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 1997, Health Communications, Inc, Deerfield Beach, FL.

6 Reasons to Not Ask “Why”*

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

Gold Square It focuses on excuses rather than commitment.

Gold Square It assumes the student knows why he did it (or forgot) and can adequately explain his reasons to you.

Gold Square It suggests that your boundaries and limits are flexible if your students have a good enough excuse: “If you’re creative (or pathetic) enough, you’re off the hook.”

Gold Square It puts you in the position of having to judge the “validity” of your student’s excuses and arbitrarily decide whether or not to hold her accountable.

Gold Square If you’ve got a good boundary with a positive outcome, if your students are developmentally able to do what you’ve asked and if they have had enough time, training or reminders (ahead of time) to succeed, why doesn’t matter–the positive outcome is simply not available until the students change their behavior or fulfill their commitments.

Gold Square It may give you ammunition to attack or shame the student (“You should have thought of that before,” “You should have known better,” “How could you have been so stupid?”) instead of using the occasion as an opportunity for the child to make more responsible choices and correct his or her behavior.

*This title refers to not asking kids to explain why they did something wrong or forgot to do something they were supposed to do (or had agreed to do).

 

5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary

11 Reasons to Use Boundaries

9 Things to Remember when Using Boundaries

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© 2008, Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., Instructional Support Services, Inc.
Last updated on October 16, 2006 5:13 PM