Conflict Prevention &
Conflict Resolution:
Strategies

Unresolved crisis (frequently family, relationship, financial, or community issues)

Unmet need for power or attention; perceived inability to meed these needs in healthy or constructive ways

Perceived inability to succeed (frustration, despair, boredom)

Unmet need for physical, emotional and/or academic safety

Boundary issues, including:

are tools to help us take care of ourselves in our relationships with others

attempt to accommodate the needs or desires of others

build “win-win” power structures

encourage cooperation and mutual respect without depending on fear, disempowerment, or manipulation

create a success-oriented, reward-oriented environment

allow outcomes (consequences, positivie and negative) to occur in non-punitive environment

make others accountable for their own behavior (as long as we follow through)

leave the door open for the other person to change his or her behavior in order to get needs met

support emotional safety in relationships

Boundary-setting works best in an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and respect for the people you’re working with (that is, who they are, not how they behave). Examine the degree to which you can feel and express these characteristics of healthy relationships unconditionally.

Boundaries work better than rules. Rules come from a place of power, are typically win-lose (as opposed to win-win, as are boundaries) and are usually have the greatest commitment in the people the rules benefit most (and/or the people who made the rules). In a school setting, rules place responsibility on the adults. Boundaries put greater responsibility on the students.

For the same reasons, boundaries work better than commands, demands or expectations.

Anticipate your needs as well as the needs of others involved. Look for ways to get your needs met that will still accommodate the needs of others.

There is no such thing as unmotivated behavior. What motivates the other party? What’s in it for him or her to cooperate? A good boundary encourages cooperation by connecting meaningful payoffs to cooperative behavior.

The best “payoffs” are those that do not rely on the adult’s anger or conditional approval.

All motivation is “internal,” whether it involves doing something for the love of the task (or subject), doing something to gain access to something more meaningful, or doing something to avoid something painful or unpleasant.

Communicate your boundary clearly before it’s violated, even if the other person should know what it is. If you have failed to set a boundary because you couldn’t possibly anticipate the other person’s behavior, stop and do so before things get totally out of hand.

Listen, negotiate, and empower. Offer choices within limits you can live with. If the other person suggests something that is unreasonable, uncomfortable for you, unsafe, or just won’t work, say so: “That won’t work for me.” Make a counter-offer or ask for another suggestion.

FOLLOW THROUGH. Once you’ve set a boundary, be willing to live with the consequences. If your boundary is unreasonable, renegotiate it next time, not in mid-stream.

Maintain regular positive contact. Let people know what their kids are doing right.

Document. Document. Document. Many conflicts can be avoided when teachers can substantiate decisions regarding choices such as academic placement, particularly with regard to accommodating student academic or learning style needs.

Maintain healthy boundaries. Do not ask parents to solve problems between a teacher and a child. Relationships tend to be more cooperative and mutually supportive when parents are simply informed about problems (and what the teacher or staff is doing to handle it) rather than asked to take responsibility for the solution of the problem.

By the same token, support parents’ problem solving skills without taking responsibility for the solution. (For example, good boundaries allow you to refuse to kick a kid off the team at school because he broke curfew at home.)

Attack problems, not people. Make clear the goal of reaching a solution, gaining a commitment to more positive behaviors, and/or preventing further problems, rather than exacting punishment, making the student wrong, blaming, shaming, or criticizing.

If something isn’t working, talk to the person involved. Complaining and triangulating (trying to get to the person involved by going “through” a third party) will usually complicate matters.

If at all possible, wait until you feel calm and rational before approaching the other person. Reactivity generally creates obstacles in communication.

Stick to the issues. If at all possible, leave feelings out of it. (After all, people don’t create your feelings, and relationships get “muddy” when we try to get what we want from others by making them responsible for how we feel or react.) Instead of “When you... I feel...”, try “This isn’t working” and then renegotiate the boundary, or develop a new agreement from here on in. (For more information on alternatives to “I-messages,” click here.)

If you have feelings come up, deal with them. You might want to share them with a neutral party who can listen, validate, and support you without getting personally involved in the problem at hand. If you express your feelings directly to the person involved, be careful to not attempt to make that person responsible for the feelings. (For example, “I’m feeling really angry about this” is quite different from “You made me mad” or “When you...I feel angry.”)

Better yet, leave your feelings out of the equation and simply ask for what you want! Remember, you want the other person to change his behavior so that you will be available to talk, or so that he can use certain materials again, or whatever–NOT so that you feel better!

Get clear on your role.

Listen.

Distinguish between feelings and behaviors. All feelings are OK.

Accept: Make no judgments about anyone’s feelings or their right to be upset. Resist the urge to dismiss their feelings, distract them, deny that they really feel that way, or engage in other destructive behaviors, such as blaming, shaming, attacking, enmeshing, or asking them to defend their feelings. (For more ideas on non-supportive strategies to avoid, click here.)

Validate the reality of their experience, and support their right to their feelings.

Maintain your boundaries.

In helping others find solutions, ask–don’t tell. Resist the urge to give advice or get in the middle of someone else’s conflict. You get to feel important and needed, but it robs them of the opportunity to build competence and confidence in their own problem-solving ability. Help the other person think through their options and the consequences of various choices. By the way, this works bestafter people have had a chance to externalize their feelings. (For more information on this topic, click here.)

Model and teach conflict-management.

Leave the door open for future discussion.

Goal: How can we both get what we want?

Means: Offering choices (in which any of the choices you offer is acceptable); requesting and considering students’ input in decisions that affect them

Allows for student empowerment within limits established by the teacher/parent/authority.

Reduces the need for rebelliousness, acting out.

Goal: Make success possible for every student in the classroom

Means: Giving clear directions; Identify and attempt to accommodate individual learning styles and needs; Establishing, communicating, and maintaining clear boundaries

Restructure reactive environments to proactive environments (emphasis on prevention)

Restructure punishment-oriented environments to become more reward-oriented

Express contingencies as promises rather than threats

Use the examination and review of a student’s work to identify what that student still needs to learn, rather than as an excuse to simply mark errors, flaws, omissions.

In giving feedback, emphasize positive performance, achievement

Hold self to same standards as expectations for students

Make sure your behaviors, language, attitude, tone of voice, body language, etc. are congruent from what you want from students

Avoid making a big deal out of things kids do just because they’re kids (If you wouldn’t yell at an adult for the same thing, don’t yell at a kid!)

Remember that kids need and respond to positive motivation–just like you do.