Magic Sentences for Avoiding Conflict with Kids, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

Note: The following is a preview of new material included in the revision of the book 21st Century Discipline (3rd edition, due fall of 2006).

“Magic” Sentences

for Avoiding Conflict and for Negotiating
(Getting What You Want)

“Magic Sentences” (or key phrases) are simply practical ways to use language to prevent, minimize or de-escalate conflicts with kids. Different sentences will be useful in different situations. These examples represent a win-win approach to relationships with young people and can be equally effective in interactions with other adults.

Great first draft.

Use when kids turn in work that is incomplete, illegible or incorrect. Invites kids to redo, complete, clean up or self-correct their work.

We’ll try again later.

For times when you withdraw a positive consequence (ask kids to sit somewhere else, stop reading the story). This keeps the door open for kids to try again and make better choices at a later time.

This isn’t working.

An excellent way to interrupt disruptive or off-task behavior without attacking or criticizing.

I know you wish you could…

Validates a child’s desire to do something (not go to a particular class, go to the nurse or go home, hit a classmate, not take a test, etc.) when that option is not available or not negotiable.

That won’t work for me.

A simple, non-attacking way to reject a student’s suggestion when it proposes something inappropriate or inadequate for your objectives. You can validate the worth of the proposal (“Interesting idea” or “Oh, that does sound like it would be fun”) and, if appropriate, even offer to look for opportunities to offer that suggestion at another time.

Think of a solution that will work for both of us.

Transfers responsibility to a dissatisfied student to find a solution that will work for him and for you (and not become a problem for anyone else).

Can you live with that?

Tell me what you just agreed to (d0).

Confirms the student’s understanding of an agreement, making sure you and the student are on the same page.

Humor me.

When you ask for something that seems unreasonable, ask for something just because it’s important to you, or when you have to give seemingly needless instructions, for example. This works best when mutually-respectful relationships have been established.

Because we’re all different and we all get to succeed.

When questioned about why different students are on different pages, have different assignments or different requirements; or to be taught in different ways.

Equally appropriately challenged.

A 21st-century definition of “fair” (as opposed to “fair” meaning “same”); allows different kids to be on different pages, have different assignments or different requirements; or to be taught in different ways.

We don’t say that here.

My door is open.

An invitation to come and talk. Indicates an awareness of a troubled student’s situation without being nosy or invasive. Most effective in a high-trust relationship and emotionally-safe environment.

We don’t need to talk about that.

A way to disengage from gossip or toxic interchanges. Also “That’s none of my business” or “I appreciate your concern.” Change the subject immediately to make it clear that you do not wish to continue the discussion. (More likely to be used with other adults.)

It’s a great way to communicate your limits. (It’s not giving in! Honest!)
It’s a great way to secure a commitment.
It’s a great way to be sure they understand both what you want and what they can expect (positive consequences) if they follow through on their end.
It’s a great way to accommodate kids’ needs for power and autonomy without compromising your own authority.
Sometimes they can come up with better solutions and ideas than we can!

Keep watch for more sentences, or contact me if you have any “words of wisdom” that have worked for you!

Guidelines for Offering Choices
Guidelines for Reinforcing Positive Behavior
Self-Assessment
Dealing Successfully with your Students’ Parents
Getting Away with Success
Rules and Boundaries
Improve the School’s Social Culture
Behavior Management: Intervention Strategies
Industrial Age vs. Information Age Classrooms

Also, for Administrators:
Creating a 21st Century Discipline School

“Magic” Sentences

for Avoiding Conflict and for Negotiating (Getting What You Want)

Great first draft.

We’ll try again later.

This isn’t working.

I know you wish you could…

That won’t work for me.

Think of a solution that will work for both of us.

Can you live with that?

Tell me what you just agreed to (d0).

Humor me.

Because we’re all different and we all get to succeed.

Equally appropriately challenged.

We don’t say that here.

My door is open.

We don’t need to talk about that.

for Avoiding Conflict and for Negotiating
(Getting What You Want)