Excerpted and adapted from Parents, Teens & Boundaries, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 1993, Health Communications, Inc, Deerfield Beach, FL.
Examples of Some New Ways of Thinking
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
The following chart lists some of the “old,” or more familiar messages children receive in their dealings with adults (both in their families and, for the most part, in the educational system). There follow some alternatives to these messages that reflect a belief system that will support self-care and boundary setting, and one that will build healthy, cooperative relationships with the people in your life.
_____________________________
Old Message
If only my kids (or students, spouse, boss, parents, principal, the system, etc.) would change, my life would be a lot better.
New Message
If my current behaviors aren’t working for me, I am willing to change them.
_____________________________
Old Message
Other people’s actions, words, and attitudes create my feelings and determine my behaviors, words, and attitudes.
New Message
My reaction to other people’s actions, words, and attitudes create my feelings. I am responsible for my feelings and actions.
_____________________________
Old Message
This is just the way I am.
New Message
I always have choices about my own behavior, language, and attitudes.
_____________________________
Old Message
Sometimes you have to act angry, helpless or sad in order to get people to do what you want.
New Message
I avoid using my feelings to try to change other people.
_____________________________
Old Message
I am responsible for my children’s/students’ behavior, appearance, and performance.
New Message
I can guide, reflect, and support my children/students and still leave them responsible for their own behavior, etc.
_____________________________
Old Message
My house, my rules. (Or: My class, my rules.)
New Message
We all work here together. While I may have the final say in a lot of situations, their needs and feelings always matter
_____________________________
Old Message
When other people hurt or disappoint me, I have the right to hurt back or try to make them feel guilty.
New Message
I can take care of myself without deliberately hurting or manipulating others.
_____________________________
Old Message
If you really loved me, you’d put my needs first.
New Message
Self-abandonment is not really loving behavior. Take care of yourself.
_____________________________
Old Message
I will do my best to take care of others. If they’re happy, I’m happy.
New Message
I will do my best to take care of myself and still consider other people’s needs and feelings.
_____________________________
Old Message
It’s important that other people have high opinions of me. I am willing to do whatever I can to control their impression or opinion of me.
New Message
What others think of me is none of my business.
_____________________________
Old Message
I don’t care how you treat me, as long as you love me and never leave.
New Message
I don’t care if you love me, just treat me right. (Or: I will not tolerate abusive behavior, no matter how you say you feel about me.)
_____________________________
Old Message
Peace at any price.
New Message
I am willing to risk conflict and even abandonment in order to take care of myself.
_____________________________
If the “new” messages characterize the way you operate in relation to your kids–or others–your relationship with them is probably pretty healthy, although probably not conflict-free. If the old messages are all too familiar, chances are you’re experiencing stresses in your relationships that could be minimized or even eliminated. There is a better way.
Industrial Age Classrooms vs. Information Age Classrooms
The School as a Dysfunctional Family
More information about this book.
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
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© 2008, Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., Instructional Support Services, Inc.
Last updated on
October 16, 2006 5:40 PM
