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Examples of Some New Ways of Thinking
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
The following chart lists some of the “old,” or more familiar messages children receive in their dealings with adults (both in their families and, for the most part, in the educational system). There follow some alternatives to these messages that reflect a belief system that will support self-care and boundary setting, and one that will build healthy, cooperative relationships with the people in your life.
Old Message |
New Message |
If only my kids (or students, spouse, boss, parents, principal, the system, etc.) would change, my life would be a lot better. |
If my current behaviors aren’t working for me, I am willing to change them. |
Other people’s actions, words, and attitudes create my feelings and determine my behaviors, words, and attitudes. |
My reaction to other people’s actions, words, and attitudes create my feelings. I am responsible for my feelings and actions. |
This is just the way I am. |
I always have choices about my own behavior, language, and attitudes. |
Sometimes you have to act angry, helpless or sad in order to get people to do what you want. |
I avoid using my feelings to try to change other people. |
I am responsible for my children’s/students’ behavior, appearance, and performance. |
I can guide, reflect, and support my children/students and still leave them responsible for their own behavior, etc. |
My house, my rules. (Or: My class, my rules.) |
We all work here together. While I may have the final say in a lot of situations, their needs and feelings always matter. |
When other people hurt or disappoint me, I have the right to hurt back or try to make them feel guilty. |
I can take care of myself without deliberately hurting or manipulating others. |
If you really loved me, you’d put my needs first. |
Self-abandonment is not really loving behavior. Take care of yourself. |
I will do my best to take care of others. If they’re happy, I’m happy. |
I will do my best to take care of myself and still consider other people’s needs and feelings. |
It’s important that other people have high opinions of me. I am willing to do whatever I can to control their impression or opinion of me. |
What others think of me is none of my business. |
I don’t care how you treat me, as long as you love me and never leave. |
I don’t care if you love me, just treat me right. (Or: I will not tolerate abusive behavior, no matter how you say you feel about me.) |
Peace at any price.
|
I am willing to risk conflict and even abandonment in order to take care of myself. |
If the “new” messages characterize the way you operate in relation to your kids–or others–your relationship with them is probably pretty healthy, although probably not conflict-free. If the old messages are all too familiar, chances are you’re experiencing stresses in your relationships that could be minimized or even eliminated. There is a better way.
Excerpted and adapted from Parents, Teens & Boundaries, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 1993, Health Communications, Inc, Deerfield Beach, FL.
Other handouts adapted from Creating Emotionally Safe Schools:
The "Ideal" Student: Kids for whom traditional classrooms are ideally suited (and why so many non-traditional learners struggle in these instructional environments).
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.
Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.
Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.
Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Humor and Fun: Brighten your day with fun facts, short pieces about kids, pets and work, and hilarious things kids say, do and write. Includes items you can share with kids or use as a springboard for discussions and activities.
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