Legal & Karmic
Stuff related to
using these
free resources.

10 Dangers of Encouraging Obedience
and People-Pleasing

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

People-pleasers are motivated by external factors, such as the need for outside (and usually conditional) approval. They often do what others want in order to feel safe, worthwhile or valued (for example, “. . . so my friends will like me more.”)

People-pleasers do what others want to avoid disapproval, punishment, ridicule or abandonment, or for fear of hurting, disappointing or angering someone else. They base their decisions on another person’s anticipated reaction.

People-pleasers may obey anyone who appears to be important, powerful or popular. They tend to be highly influenced by peer pressure. They are far more vulnerable than other children to adults who may not have their best interests in mind.

People-pleasers have a hard time saying “no,” even when saying “yes” would be unwise, inconvenient or even unsafe for them. Their negotiation skills are limited.

Obedient kids have a hard time seeing the connection between their behavior and the consequences of their behaviors. Their sense of responsibility may be limited: “He made me do it,” “Everyone else was doing it,” “She started it.”

Obedient kids are likely to blame their choices on someone else. They don’t have to take responsibility for their choices (or how their lives turn out) because they were just doing what someone else told them to do.

Obedient kids may have a hard time functioning in the absence of authority. They lack initiative and would just as soon wait for someone to tell them what to do. They often depend on others to make decisions for them or make their choices simply to impress someone else.

They believe that their ability to influence or control their lives depends on their ability to keep others happy, even if doing so inconveniences them, compromises their boundaries or principles or, in some instances, even jeopardizes their safety.

When people-pleasers experience conflict between what they want and what someone else wants, they may express this conflict as compliance, guilt, passive-aggressiveness, resentment, helplessness or victimization.

People-pleasers lack confidence in their own instincts and the ability to act in their own self-interests. They have difficulty understanding or expressing personal needs, or asking directly for what they want.

NOTE: I use the word obedience to describe the notion of simply doing what one is told, usually without evaluating the request, in order to avoid disapproval, rejection, abandonment or some other negative, hurtful or punitive outcome. Contrast obedience with cooperation, which will look about the same in terms of how the child is acting, but which is motivated by something besides the reaction or approval of another person. Our real goal, in building responsibility, is encouraging cooperation, not obedience. In doing so, we can achieve the same behavior results without compromising the child’s emotional safety or ability to act in his or her own behalf.

Excerpted and adapted from The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., © 1997, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.

Buy this book!

Motivating cooperative behavior.

Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.

Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Complete alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.

Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.

Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Humor and Fun: Brighten your day with fun facts, short pieces about kids, pets and work, and hilarious things kids say, do and write. Includes items you can share with kids or use as a springboard for discussions and activities.

Hire Jane: Everything you need for your next conference or professional development event

Jane’s Calendar

Click here (or on the image to the left) to see Jane’s schedule. Click here for a map with links to dates that she will be in your area.

Help support this site

The content on this site is free. You are welcome to download, copy, distribute, or use the material (with proper attribution) in any way you feel will be helpful. Your support will help us continue to maintain the site, add new content, hire translators and tech support consultants, and keep the site ad-free. Any support is much appreciated.

Click to donate $1 (or in $1 increments).

Direct links to free stuff on this site:

articles and excerpts • handouts • materials in Spanish and French • videos and podcasts • links to other sites and resources • ideas, tips, and experiences of other educators • humor and fun