Stress-Producing Obstacles in Relationships
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Any of the following can create stress in any relationship:
Needing to be in charge or in control (especially when it depends on
disempowering or controlling others or when it disregards other people’s
desire for control and autonomy).
Needing to be right (when it depends on others being wrong, when it
requires that you make others wrong, or when it insists that others
agree with you or support your views and actions).
Needing to be needed or feel important (when it requires the dependence
of others).
Needing for someone else to exhibit certain behaviors, appearance, values,
preferences or abilities in order to feel good about yourself (or successful
as a parent or spouse, for example).
Expectations, especially when your preferences or desires are not communicated
or agreed to beforehand. Having an agenda for how another person should
be or behave: “I expected you to be home by now,” “If
you really loved me, you would have called,” “I can’t
believe you didn’t get me a card.” (Typically, the only
person committed to an expectation is the person who has the expectation.)
Arrogance or self-righteousness. Assuming the other person understands
or knows what you want: “Come home at a reasonable hour,”
“I was ready to leave two hours ago!” “I shouldn’t
have to do that (or deal with that).”
Assuming that others operate with your priorities and values: “How
can you spend so much time at the mall (or watching football)?”
“You shouldn’t date someone from that part of town.”
Assuming that someone will think, feel, act or react in a certain way: “I didn’t tell you because you’d get mad,” “I
didn’t want to bother you,” “I was afraid you’d
be hurt.” Thinking for another person.
Tunnel-vision. An inability to see the “big picture.”
All-or-nothing thinking. (Sometimes called dualism or black-and-white
thinking.) A tendency to think in terms of opposite extremes. An inability
to see multiple options or other points of view.
Fear of conflict, rejection or abandonment. Compromising personal values
or standards, making decisions based on someone else’s reaction
or possible reaction.
Denying that a problem exists or making excuses for someone else’s
unacceptable behavior, rather than confronting that person or asking
for more reasonable behavior.
Reactivity. Overreacting.
Victim thinking. The perception of having no power to change situations
(or thinking) for the better or to do things differently.
Dependence* on others for your own needs. Abdicating personal responsibility.
Being afraid or unwilling to let people know what you want.
Blaming: “If you would shape up there wouldn’t be a problem.”
Double standards. Expecting or demanding behaviors from others that
you do not model or demonstrate yourself.
Criticizing, shaming, ridicule, judgments or any form of attack. Focusing
on the negative (especially in someone else’s behavior, choices,
preferences or values).
Asking someone to defend or explain his behavior rather than asking
for what you want: “Why did borrow my sweater without asking
me first?” instead of “I want you to ask before you
borrow my things.”
Assuming that another person is committed to an agreement simply because
you have expressed what you want. Not asking for agreement.
Lack of consideration for another. Focusing on your own needs to exclusion
of others’ needs. Failing to respect another person’s boundaries,
privacy or time.
Focusing on another person’s needs to exclusion of your own. Discounting
or dismissing your needs in favor of someone else’s (when doing
so will have a negative or harmful effect on you). Self-sacrifice.
Resistance to being conscious and present in the relationship.
Resistance to personal change: “I’ve always felt that
way,” “This is just the way I am (or do things).”
*As opposed to healthy interdependence in relationships.
This is about believing that your needs, feelings or peace of mind are
someone else’s responsibility.
Questions:
Which of these characteristics create the most conflict or alienation
in your life? How?
Which of these characteristics used to be more of a challenge for you
than they are today?
Which of these characteristics still present a challenge for you personally?
Which of these characteristics would you most like to change is someone
close to you?
Assuming that this person does not change, how can you better take care
of yourself in the future?
Which of these characteristics would you most like to change in yourself?
What can you do differently?
Other comments, things to watch out for . . .
Excerpted and adapted from The Parent’s Little Book of Lists:
Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.,
© 1997, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.
Buy this book!
Examples of some new ways of thinking.
“Magic” Sentences for avoiding conflict and for negotiating (getting what you want)
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
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