Stress-Producing Obstacles in Relationships

Needing to be in charge or in control (especially when it depends on disempowering or controlling others or when it disregards other people’s desire for control and autonomy).

Needing to be right (when it depends on others being wrong, when it requires that you make others wrong, or when it insists that others agree with you or support your views and actions).

Needing to be needed or feel important (when it requires the dependence of others).

Needing for someone else to exhibit certain behaviors, appearance, values, preferences or abilities in order to feel good about yourself (or successful as a parent or spouse, for example).

Expectations, especially when your preferences or desires are not communicated or agreed to beforehand. Having an agenda for how another person should be or behave: “I expected you to be home by now,” “If you really loved me, you would have called,” “I can’t believe you didn’t get me a card.” (Typically, the only person committed to an expectation is the person who has the expectation.)

Arrogance or self-righteousness. Assuming the other person understands or knows what you want: “Come home at a reasonable hour,” “I was ready to leave two hours ago!” “I shouldn’t have to do that (or deal with that).”

Assuming that others operate with your priorities and values: “How can you spend so much time at the mall (or watching football)?” “You shouldn’t date someone from that part of town.”

Assuming that someone will think, feel, act or react in a certain way: “I didn’t tell you because you’d get mad,” “I didn’t want to bother you,” “I was afraid you’d be hurt.” Thinking for another person.

Tunnel-vision. An inability to see the “big picture.”

All-or-nothing thinking. (Sometimes called dualism or black-and-white thinking.) A tendency to think in terms of opposite extremes. An inability to see multiple options or other points of view.

Fear of conflict, rejection or abandonment. Compromising personal values or standards, making decisions based on someone else’s reaction or possible reaction.

Denying that a problem exists or making excuses for someone else’s unacceptable behavior, rather than confronting that person or asking for more reasonable behavior.

Reactivity. Overreacting.

Victim thinking. The perception of having no power to change situations (or thinking) for the better or to do things differently.

Dependence* on others for your own needs. Abdicating personal responsibility. Being afraid or unwilling to let people know what you want.

Blaming: “If you would shape up there wouldn’t be a problem.”

Double standards. Expecting or demanding behaviors from others that you do not model or demonstrate yourself.

Criticizing, shaming, ridicule, judgments or any form of attack. Focusing on the negative (especially in someone else’s behavior, choices, preferences or values).

Asking someone to defend or explain his behavior rather than asking for what you want: “Why did borrow my sweater without asking me first?” instead of “I want you to ask before you borrow my things.”

Assuming that another person is committed to an agreement simply because you have expressed what you want. Not asking for agreement.

Lack of consideration for another. Focusing on your own needs to exclusion of others’ needs. Failing to respect another person’s boundaries, privacy or time.

Focusing on another person’s needs to exclusion of your own. Discounting or dismissing your needs in favor of someone else’s (when doing so will have a negative or harmful effect on you). Self-sacrifice.

Resistance to being conscious and present in the relationship.

Resistance to personal change: “I’ve always felt that way,” “This is just the way I am (or do things).”

Which of these characteristics create the most conflict or alienation in your life? How?

Which of these characteristics used to be more of a challenge for you than they are today?

Which of these characteristics still present a challenge for you personally?

Which of these characteristics would you most like to change is someone close to you?

Assuming that this person does not change, how can you better take care of yourself in the future?

Which of these characteristics would you most like to change in yourself? What can you do differently?

Other comments, things to watch out for . . .