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5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary*
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Clarity
Boundaries are clear, specific and clearly communicated. They work best when you have your children’s attention, when they understand what you’re requesting, when the positive outcome of their cooperation is clear and when specific requirements, conditions or time factors are spelled out. For example, “I’ll read you the next chapter in your story as long as you’re in your pajamas with your teeth brushed by the time the big hand is on the six.”
Win-win
Boundaries respect and consider the needs of everyone involved. They attempt to create ways for both you and your children to get what you want. For example, “I’ll be happy to drive you to the mall as soon as you finish your chores” or “I want to hear about your day. I’ll be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes.”
Proactivity
Boundaries work to prevent problems and are typically expressed before a problem occurs or before it is allowed to continue (or get worse). For example, “You can play my stereo as soon as you demonstrate how to use it correctly (or replace the CD you damaged).” “When we go to the store, you can select one kind of dessert (or cereal).”
Positivity
The most effective boundaries typically focus on the positive outcomes of cooperation. They are also expressed positively, as promises rather than threats or simply as information (with the implication that the positive outcome is available, for example, until a certain time or under certain conditions). For example, “If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll wash them for you” or “The kitchen closes at 8:00.”
Follow through
Follow through—allowing a positive consequence to occur only when the child does what you’ve asked—is what communicates that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. It increases the likelihood that your children will take you seriously when you ask for what you want, and it improves the chances that they will cooperate as well (if it’s really the only way they can get what they want).**
*Note: Boundaries are tools for building cooperation in relationships, for letting others know what you want and for letting them know which options are available to them (for getting what they want). Set boundaries when you want behaviors to change and wish to avoid negative, stressful behaviors such as nagging, yelling, threatening or punishing to get what you want. Whether you use boundaries in relationships with children or other adults, the characteristics of boundaries and dynamics of boundary setting are the same.
**Note: Boundaries allow you to follow through without even getting angry! Follow-through works wonders, but it requires patience, faith, consistency and courage!
Excerpted and adapted from The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., © 1997, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.
See related handouts:
11 Reasons to Use Boundaries with Your Children
9 Things to Remember When Setting a Boundary
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.
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