9 Things to Remember when Setting a Boundary
with Your Children
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Use boundaries to let your children know your limits and tolerances,
your availability, the conditions under which you will participate in
some activity, which privileges are available or the conditions under
which a privilege is available to your children. Use boundaries to give
your children information they can use in making decisions.
Using past experience (and common sense), anticipate what you will want
and what your kids will probably want as well. Consider both your needs
and their needs when formulating your boundary.
Be clear and specific about what you’re asking for, what you would
like, which options are available, the times or conditions under which
a positive outcome is available, or any other factors that your children
will need to know to make choices or anticipate a particular event.
Communicate your boundary before there is a conflict, or before the
conflict continues or reoccurs: “We’re not buying any
toys today.” “If you want to get your homework in on time,
you need to remember to take it to school yourself.”
State boundaries positively, as promises rather than threats: “You
can watch the movie if your homework is done by 7:00,” rather
than, “You’re not watching the movie if your homework
isn’t done by 7:00.”
Be prepared to follow through. If you’re not willing to withhold
positive outcomes until your kids so their part—whether it’s
finish their homework, complete a chore, put their plan in writing or
tone down their voices—don’t bother setting the boundary
in the first place.
Examine your attachment to particular outcomes. For example, if you
are heavily invested in your child’s success in school in order
for you to feel OK about yourself as a parent, you may have a hard time
following through on your decision to allow your children to be responsible
for getting their homework, lunch money or permission slips to school
on their own. Either refrain from setting this boundary (and don’t
complain when your kids need you to deliver their “stuff”
for them) or use your resistance to following through as a chance to
examine your need to protect your kids (or yourself) from their forgetfulness.
Watch the tendency to make excuses, give warnings or let things slide
“just this once.” This is a great way to teach kids that
you don’t really mean what you say and that it’s OK to disrespect
your boundaries. If you want to build in some flexibility, do so before
your children blow it. One parent, for example, let his son earn “bonus”
cards by doing extra chores or making curfew a certain number of nights
in a row. Then, if his son wanted to stay out an extra 15 minutes, he
could trad in cards for the privilege ahead of time. Another parent
gave each kid one “Get out of Jail Free” card every month,
to trade for chores or small, specific extensions on curfew ahead of
time.
If the child is unable to perfor m or complete his or her end of the
bargain because the request or time limit was truly unreasonable, because
the instructions were not clear or understood, or because the child
was developmentally incapable or lacked the necessary skill or experience
to do what you want, it’s a bad boundary. This is not the same
as making excuses for a developmentally capable kid who simply doesn’t
come through. In this instance, back up and try again (delaying the
request until the child is more capable, setting a different boundary
or offering more clarity, instruction or a more reasonable time limits,
for example). Do not withhold positive outcomes at this time.
Excerpted and adapted from The Parent’s Little Book of Lists:
Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.,
© 1997, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.
Buy this book!
This page is also available in Spanish.
This page is also available in French.
See related handouts:
5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary
6 Reasons to Not Ask your Children
for Excuses
11 Reasons to Use Boundaries with Your Children
Motivating cooperative behavior.
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