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6 Reasons to Not Ask “Why”*

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

It focuses on excuses rather than commitment.

It assumes the child knows why he did it (or forgot) and can adequately explain his reasons.

It suggests that your boundaries and limits are flexible if your children have a good enough excuse: “If you’re creative (or pathetic) enough, you’re off the hook.”

It puts you in the position of having to judge the “validity” of your children’s excuses and arbitrarily decide wether or not to hold them accountable.h

If you’ve got a good boundary with a positive outcome, if your children are developmentally able to do what you’ve asked and if they have had enough time, training or reminders (ahead of time) to succeed, why doesn’t matter—the positive outcome is simply not available until the children change their behavior or fulfill their commitments.

It may give you ammunition to attack or shame the child (“You should have thought of that before,” “You should have known better,” “How could you have been so stupid?”) instead of using the occasion as an opportunity for the child to make more responsible choices and correct his or her behavior.

*Note: This title refers to not asking for excuses by asking kids to explain why they did something wrong or forgot to do something they were supposed to do (or had agreed to do).

Excerpted and adapted from The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Do’s & Don’ts of Effective Parenting by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D., © 1997, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.

Buy this book!

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See related handouts:

5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary in English, Spanish and French.

11 Reasons to Use Boundaries with Your Children in English, Spanish and French.

9 Things to Remember When Setting a Boundary in English, Spanish and French.

6 Reasons to Not Ask your Children for Excuses

Motivating cooperative behavior

Parenting Teens: Where do You Draw the Line?

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