Guidelines for Offering Choices

Choices build responsibility and commitment, and communicate your respect for your children’s needs and preferences.

Choices, like boundaries, are motivational tools that encourage cooperation through input and empowerment. Offer choices in the absence of desirable child behavior, to encourage the child to perform a particular behavior he is not currently demonstrating.

Choices can also help prevent disruptive behaviors, however other strategies are recommended for intervening negative behavior or reinforcing existing positive behavior.

Present available options in a positive manner. Be careful that the choice doesn’t end up spoken as “do it or else.”

Be honest. Make sure that all options you offer are acceptable. Avoid setting the children up to people-please by choosing the right option or reading your mind. Make sure there are no wrong choices: If you don’t want your child to choose something, don’t make it an option. (For example, if you want them to do a particular chore first, offer sequence options about the other activities—after that chore is finished.)

Make sure the choices you offer are clear and specific. Asking a child to “What would you like for lunch?” leaves you open for some pretty broad interpretations. Instead, define choices with clearly-stated limits. “Would you prefer a sandwich or some mac and cheese?” is much easier for the child to understand—and perform successfully.

Start simple. If your child is having difficulty making decisions, it may be that there are too many options or that the limits are too broad or unclear.

If your child is having difficulty with even a simple choice, add another limit if necessary, by asking him to choose within a certain amount of time— after which you get to help him choose. Be patient. Some young children and well-conditioned order-takers need time and practice to develop confidence in their ability to choose.

Increase options as your children can handle them, either by widening the range of choices you offer or by making the options more complex.

Depending on your goals, schedule and resources, you might leave room for your children to change their minds if they are disappointed with a choice they’ve made. If time and management require the child to make a choice and stick with it, make that clear when you present the available options. Reassure the children that they can “try again later (or tomorrow or next week).”

As they become more capable, encourage your children to participate in setting up choices (or negotiate an alternative assignment, for example) whenever possible. Clear limits are especially important in such cases; you might also want to suggest that they present their ideas to you for a final OK before they act.

If your children suggest a choice that you think is inappropriate, tell them your concerns and ask if they can come up with another idea. (Stating “That won’t work for me,” is a terrific way to get this message across without attacking the child.) Reiterate your criteria if necessary. If something is just plain non-negotiable, say so, but help the child look for acceptable options available within those limits.