Guidelines for Offering Choices
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Choices build responsibility and commitment, and communicate your respect
for your children’s needs and preferences.
Choices, like boundaries, are motivational tools that encourage cooperation
through input and empowerment. Offer choices in the absence of desirable
child behavior, to encourage the child to perform a particular behavior
he is not currently demonstrating.
Choices can also help prevent disruptive behaviors, however other strategies
are recommended for intervening negative behavior or reinforcing existing
positive behavior.
Present available options in a positive manner. Be careful that the
choice doesn’t end up spoken as “do it or else.”
Be honest. Make sure that all options you offer are acceptable. Avoid
setting the children up to people-please by choosing the right option or reading your mind. Make sure there are no wrong choices: If
you don’t want your child to choose something, don’t make
it an option. (For example, if you want them to do a particular chore
first, offer sequence options about the other activities—after
that chore is finished.)
Make sure the choices you offer are clear and specific. Asking a child
to “What would you like for lunch?” leaves you open
for some pretty broad interpretations. Instead, define choices with
clearly-stated limits. “Would you prefer a sandwich or some
mac and cheese?” is much easier for the child to understand—and
perform successfully.
Start simple. If your child is having difficulty making decisions, it
may be that there are too many options or that the limits are too broad
or unclear.
If your child is having difficulty with even a simple choice, add another
limit if necessary, by asking him to choose within a certain amount
of time— after which you get to help him choose. Be patient. Some
young children and well-conditioned order-takers need time and practice
to develop confidence in their ability to choose.
Increase options as your children can handle them, either by widening
the range of choices you offer or by making the options more complex.
Depending on your goals, schedule and resources, you might leave room
for your children to change their minds if they are disappointed with
a choice they’ve made. If time and management require the child
to make a choice and stick with it, make that clear when you present
the available options. Reassure the children that they can “try
again later (or tomorrow or next week).”
As they become more capable, encourage your children to participate
in setting up choices (or negotiate an alternative assignment, for example)
whenever possible. Clear limits are especially important in such cases;
you might also want to suggest that they present their ideas to you
for a final OK before they act.
If your children suggest a choice that you think is inappropriate, tell
them your concerns and ask if they can come up with another idea. (Stating “That won’t work for me,” is a terrific way
to get this message across without attacking the child.) Reiterate your
criteria if necessary. If something is just plain non-negotiable, say
so, but help the child look for acceptable options available within
those limits.
Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.,
© 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA.
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See related handouts:
Checklist: Evaluate Your Relationships
5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary in English, Spanish and French.
11 Reasons to Use Boundaries with
Your Children in English, Spanish and French.
9 Things to Remember When Setting
a Boundary in English, Spanish and French.
6 Reasons to Not Ask your Children
for Excuses
Motivating cooperative behavior
More tips on motivation for parents
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
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