Guidelines for Handling Negative Behavior
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Think prevention. Although no one can predict every possible opportunity
for disaster, many problems can be avoided by taking the time to anticipate
what you and your children will need, considering any possibility for
misunderstandings or difficulties and setting very specific limits ahead
of time.
When something comes up, try to isolate what’s bothering you. Are
you reacting to a personality trait or value conflict, or is your child’s
behavior actually creating a problem for you or others?
Attack the problem, not the person. Mentally separate your child from
the behavior. It’s the interruption that’s annoying— not
your child.
Minimize your reaction. Count to ten, or at least to five. Use this time
to remind yourself that you don’t have to get angry, lecture, criticize,
interrogate or punish. (Often, you don’t even have to get involved!)
Staying calm can help you avoid compounding the problem at hand. A brief
pause can also allow your child to resolve or correct the problem behavior
on his or her own.
Deal specifically with the behavior—not the morality of the behavior,
previous incidents or the personality behind the misconduct.
If your reaction starts to create a win-lose (or no-win) situation, stop
and back off: “Wait. This isn’t the way I want to handle
this.” If necessary—and possible—withdraw for a few
seconds to regain your perspective.
At all times, stay responsible for your actions and words. We are most
vulnerable to negative adult behavior patterns in the presence of a child’s
negative behaviors. Regardless of our commitment to maintaining a positive,
win-win environment, there will be times we will most likely slip up and
say or do something hurtful or destructive. At those times, be careful
to model responsible language and not blame your child. For example, avoid
statements like, “You make me so angry,” or “If
you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have said that to you.” If you act or speak in a hurtful way, apologize and switch to more a constructive
approach—just like you would want your children to do!
Look for ways to offer many choices and positive outcomes for cooperation,
building in incentives and motivators. This is a proactive and positive
approach that will eliminate many of the incidents that arise when children
are competing for power.
Withdraw the privilege or positive consequence as soon as a misconduct
occurs. Keep your tone and body language as neutral as possible. (A statement
like “This isn’t working” can help you intervene
decisively without attacking or criticizing.
Whenever possible, invite your child to reclaim his privilege or possession
as soon as the misbehavior ceases: “We can continue this discussion
when you’re willing to stop yelling.” “You can
go outside and play as soon as you finish cleaning up your dishes (your
room, your toys, etc.).”
If correcting his behavior will not give your child immediate access to
the privilege or possession, let him know when it will be available again.
Provide support, feedback, guidelines and limits to help, but leave the
responsibility for your child’s behavior with your child.
Give two positives for one negative: “Wait! We don't drink grape
juice in the living room. You can drink grape juice in the kitchen, or
drink water in the living room.”
If instruction and activities would help in areas such as problem solving,
social interaction, or handling anger and frustration, for example, save
them for a non-crisis setting. Likewise, if you feel that you and your
children could benefit from counseling or family mediation. These individuals
may also be available to discuss particular problems and help you brainstorm
possible win-win solutions, and will be especially helpful when you can
provide documentation and don’t attempt to dump the responsibility
for the problem on them.
In problem-solving activities and discussions, keep coming back to win-win: “How can we both get what we want?”
Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.,
© 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA.
Buy this book!
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Buy The Parent’s Little Book of Lists.
See related handouts:
Descriptions of each Characteristic
5 Characteristics of a Good Boundary in English, Spanish and French.
11 Reasons to Use Boundaries with
Your Children in English, Spanish and French.
9 Things to Remember When Setting
a Boundary in English, Spanish and French.
6 Reasons to Not Ask your Children
for Excuses
Motivating cooperative behavior
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