Guidelines for Handling Negative Behavior

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

Think prevention. Although no one can predict every possible opportunity for disaster, many problems can be avoided by taking the time to anticipate what you and your children will need, considering any possibility for misunderstandings or difficulties and setting very specific limits ahead of time.

When something comes up, try to isolate what’s bothering you. Are you reacting to a personality trait or value conflict, or is your child’s behavior actually creating a problem for you or others?

Attack the problem, not the person. Mentally separate your child from the behavior. It’s the interruption that’s annoying— not your child.

Minimize your reaction. Count to ten, or at least to five. Use this time to remind yourself that you don’t have to get angry, lecture, criticize, interrogate or punish. (Often, you don’t even have to get involved!) Staying calm can help you avoid compounding the problem at hand. A brief pause can also allow your child to resolve or correct the problem behavior on his or her own.

Deal specifically with the behavior—not the morality of the behavior, previous incidents or the personality behind the misconduct.

If your reaction starts to create a win-lose (or no-win) situation, stop and back off: “Wait. This isn’t the way I want to handle this.” If necessary—and possible—withdraw for a few seconds to regain your perspective.

At all times, stay responsible for your actions and words. We are most vulnerable to negative adult behavior patterns in the presence of a child’s negative behaviors. Regardless of our commitment to maintaining a positive, win-win environment, there will be times we will most likely slip up and say or do something hurtful or destructive. At those times, be careful to model responsible language and not blame your child. For example, avoid statements like, “You make me so angry,” or “If you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have said that to you.” If you act or speak in a hurtful way, apologize and switch to more a constructive approach—just like you would want your children to do!

Look for ways to offer many choices and positive outcomes for cooperation, building in incentives and motivators. This is a proactive and positive approach that will eliminate many of the incidents that arise when children are competing for power.

Withdraw the privilege or positive consequence as soon as a misconduct occurs. Keep your tone and body language as neutral as possible. (A statement like “This isn’t working” can help you intervene decisively without attacking or criticizing.

Whenever possible, invite your child to reclaim his privilege or possession as soon as the misbehavior ceases: “We can continue this discussion when you’re willing to stop yelling.” “You can go outside and play as soon as you finish cleaning up your dishes (your room, your toys, etc.).”

If correcting his behavior will not give your child immediate access to the privilege or possession, let him know when it will be available again.

Provide support, feedback, guidelines and limits to help, but leave the responsibility for your child’s behavior with your child.

Give two positives for one negative: “Wait! We don't drink grape juice in the living room. You can drink grape juice in the kitchen, or drink water in the living room.”

If instruction and activities would help in areas such as problem solving, social interaction, or handling anger and frustration, for example, save them for a non-crisis setting. Likewise, if you feel that you and your children could benefit from counseling or family mediation. These individuals may also be available to discuss particular problems and help you brainstorm possible win-win solutions, and will be especially helpful when you can provide documentation and don’t attempt to dump the responsibility for the problem on them.

In problem-solving activities and discussions, keep coming back to win-win: “How can we both get what we want?”

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