Guidelines for Reinforcing Positive Behavior

Use positive reinforcement, whether verbal or non-verbal (interactive, token or activity), to acknowledge and strengthen already-existing behaviors. Avoid attempting to use reinforcement before the desired behavior has occurred to try to get the desired behavior to occur. (Encouraging the child to initiate a desired behavior and intervening a negative behavior require different strategies. For more information on different intervention strategies, click here.)

Watch for a tendency to use praise to help a child solve a problem or feel good about himself. Flattery can appear manipulative even to a young or needy child. Such messages are superficial at best and will not contribute to the child’s genuine sense of self-worth. (For more information about genuine self-worth and the myth of the self-esteem “myth,” click here.)

Avoid using your approval as a means of reinforcing desired behavior. Learn to distinguish between reinforcers intended to maintain a particular behavior and genuine expressions of appreciation, affection or enjoyment of your children. In a win-win relationship, behaviors such as a smile, touch, nod or wink— which obviously communicate the fact that you arepleased— are not used as expressions of conditional approval or caring. Although they may sometimes be used as reinforcers, such behaviors may also appear randomly, regardless of the child’s performance or behavior, as expressions of appreciation or affection.

Phrase reinforcements as an affirmation or acknowledgement of a behavior the child has demonstrated and the positive consequences now available (not as “if . . . then” statements, which are more useful for motivating behavior that has not yet been demonstrated). Reinforcements may be effectively communicated in either oral or written form.

To reinforce a desirable behavior, first describe the behavior that took place. Be specific and concrete and avoid making judgments about the behavior or the worth of the child.

Secondly, whenever possible, attach a comment that connects the immediate benefits of the child’s behavior to the child. (Occasionally, it may be appropriate to state the positive outcomes in terms of their benefits to the family.) Focus on the payoff for the child, making sure the outcome is positive and meaningful. Avoid projecting your own feelings and values, which may or may not be relevant to those of the child, or suggesting how the student child feel.

Look for the positive. You can almost always find something to recognize in any performance. Reinforce what was done right and work to correct or improve the rest.

Perhaps because of the rigidity of roles in times past, there was a tendency for parents to recognize certain behaviors in boys (such as strength, mechanical skill, and ability in math and the sciences) more frequently than girls (who are more often reinforced for neatness, creativity, attractiveness, and writing and artistic abilities). In recognizing your children, be aware of any tendencies to promote stereotypes.