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Alternatives to Advice-Giving:
Ask, Don’t Tell

by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.

The questions that follow are provided to help with the mechanics of mastering the technique of “asking—not telling,” an effective alternative to giving kids advice that encourages independence and problem-solving competence. The questions are in no particular order and will neither be relevant nor appropriate for every child or situation you encounter. Read through the list for ideas and to help become more familiar with the process. Use what works for you. Add to this list as you think of other questions or want to note ideas that work.

The purpose of these questions—and this process —is to allow you to put the responsibility for solving a particular problem on the child, almost like throwing a ball back to him, over and over, even though it will almost always seem easier to just catch the ball (the problem) and run with it yourself. Remember, you want to get a dialogue going, one in which the child does most of the talking and you do most of the listening. You want to help him get a better grip on what’s going on in a particular situation, and to determine what he wants, which options are available (and won’t create additional problems) and what he’s ultimately going to try to make it better or make it right.

This process is only as good as your ability to listen and respond to what you’re hearing. Be careful that you don’t simply run down this list, bombarding your child with a series of questions. Please do not “drill” your students or get impatient to ask the next question. This is not a script and the questions are not the issue—the process is!

So next time a child* trusts you enough to come to you with a problem, watch the tendency to offer solutions or advice. Try this process and watch how smart even young children can be!

*This process works especially well with adults! Regardless of who has approached you, the process of listening, reflecting and using questions to help guide the other person to his own solution is extremely respectful of his intelligence, and his capacity for solving his problems.

Some Sample Questions

Square red What happened?

Square red What would you like to happen next?

Square red What do you think will (or might) happen next?

Square red How do you think you’ll feel later (or afterwards)?

Square red How would you feel if that happened to you?

Square red What have you tried so far?

Square red What’s worked for you in the past?

Square red What else could you try?

Square red What kind of back-up plans do you have if that doesn’t work?

Square red What have you tried that’s worked with this person?

Square red What have you tried that’s worked in similar situations?

Square red What are you risking by doing that?

Square red Is it worth it?

Square red How can you take care of yourself in this situation?

Square red How would you like him/her to treat you?

Square red What do you plan to say?

Square red What seems to work for the other kids?

Square red If you had a magic wand, how would you make this turn out?

Square red What do you think the other person wants?

Square red What have you just agreed to?

Square red Will that create any problems for you?

Square red Will that create any problems for anyone?

Square red What if you change your mind?

Square red What else might you try?

Square red What have you learned from this?

Square red What are you going to do the next time you’re tempted to do that?

Square red How are you going to avoid this problem in the future?

Square red How are you going to prevent this problem in the future?

Square red Is this helping?

Square red How important is it for you to (pass this class, get the part, stay in this relationship, make the team. . .)?

Square red What are you willing to do to (pass this class, get the part, stay in this relationship, make the team...)?

Square red What will happen if you don’t (pass this class, get the part, stay in this relationship, make the team...)?

Square red How will you know if that’s a good choice?

Square red What would you have to do differently to make this work?

Square red What are you willing to change?

Square red How can you find out?

Square red What questions do you have?

Square red How do you think you might handle this the next time it occurs?

Square red What do you wish you could say to this person?

Square red Do you want the situation to change?

Square red How do you want the situation to change?

Square red Are you willing to consider other options?

Square red What will you do the next time you run into him/her?

Square red What does this person want you to do to make things right?

Square red What might you propose as an alternative?

Square red What will happen if you get caught?

Square red Would you like to talk about it?

Square red Would you like to talk to someone else about this?

Square red Can you live with that?

Square red What are you being blamed for?

Square red What parts of this situation are beyond your control?

Square red What parts of this situation are within your control (or influence)?

Square red What are the limits (or criteria or deadlines) in this situation?

Square red How much time do you need to decide?

Square red What if you’re OK the way you are?

Square red What would that sound like?

Square red How are you going to follow up on this?

Square red When are you going to follow up on this?

Square red What do you wish this other person would do?

Square red If the situation doesn’t change, how can you take care of yourself?

Square red What bothers you the most about this situation?

Square red What do you like best about this person?

Square red Do you want to solve this problem?

Square red Do you need more time to think about it?

Square red Do you want me to leave you alone?

Other questions:

 

How I will remember to ASK (or just LISTEN!) the next time I’m tempted to give advice?

Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA.

Buy this book.

For more information, order Dr. Bluestein’s article, “Ask—Don’t Tell”.

Related handouts:

9 Benefits of Asking Questions instead of Giving Answers in English, Spanish and French.

Stressful or Painful School Experiences that can affect learning and behavior in negative ways.

Ways to Reach More Students

Survey: Is Your School (or Classroom) an Emotionally Safe Place?

Supporting Kids in Crisis: Non-supportive patterns to avoid!

Alternatives to Non-Supportive Responses

Industrial Age Classrooms vs. Information Age Classrooms

Examples of Some New Ways of Thinking

Rules and Boundaries

Guidelines for Reinforcing Positive Behavior

Guidelines for Offering Choices

Self-Assessment

Dealing Successfully with your Students’ Parents

Getting Away with Success

Motivating Cooperative Behavior

Win-Win Strategies for Administrators

Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.

Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Complete alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.

Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.

Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane Bluestein

Humor and Fun: Brighten your day with fun facts, short pieces about kids, pets and work, and hilarious things kids say, do and write. Includes items you can share with kids or use as a springboard for discussions and activities.

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