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Supportiveness:
Dealing with a Child’s Feelings (or Problems)
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
This page includes a list of non-supportive responses to children’s feelings and problems. Any one of these patterns can create stress and mistrust in the relationship, and block communications.
Responses that attempt to make the feelings go away
Dynamic: Attempts to protect children from their feelings,
or to protect adults who are uncomfortable with children’s feelings.
Outcomes: Child’s self-doubt, confusion, mistrust
of personal reality, need to “stuff” feelings. Message: Feelings
are not OK.
Examples:
Dismissing/Minimizing
“That’s nothing to be upset over.” “That doesn’t mean anything.” “So she called you a camel. Big deal!”Discounts impact of an event or experience on the child; does not respect the validity or reality of his or her experience.
Excusing
“She didn’t mean it.” “He didn’t know what he was saying.” “She must be having a bad day.” “Well, you know, her parents are going through a divorce.”Rather than encouraging compassion (a valuable skill to teach in a non-conflict time) these responses are likewise disrespectful. They also carry the dangerous implication that as long as someone has an excuse, it’s OK for them to be thoughtless or mean (or worse).
Denying
“Oh, you don’t really feel that way.” “There’s no such thing as monsters.” “People shouldn’t hate their brothers.”Just plain crazy-making; can confuse, distract; suggests that the child’s reality isn’t real.
Distracting
“But you’re so good in your other subjects.” “Things could be worse.” “You’re lucky you have a brother.” “You think you’ve got problems.” “But his parents are so nice.” “Cheer up! This is the best time in your life!”Confusing; disrespectful of the child’s reality and experience. Note that this last example may be one of the most dangerous things we can say to a young person, especially if he or she is feeling depressed or self-destructive.
Medicating
Uses some type of substance (usually food) or activity (schoolwork, TV, chores, shoping) to distract children from their feelings. Can set up or reinforce an association between emotional discomfort and the need to get out of those feelings by taking or doing something.
Responses that make the child wrong for having feelings
Dynamic: Serves as outlet for adult’s anger, impatience,
frustration, or feelings of inadequacy or shame triggered by child’s
feelings.
Outcome: Shame/wrongness; defensiveness; feelings not
OK.
Examples
Attacking/Shaming
“I told you this would happen!” “Don’t be a sissy.” “You’re so ungrateful!” “Nice boys don’t hate their sisters.” “You’re just too sensitive.” “How could you be so stupid!”OK, now the kid has two problems and you’re one of them. While this reaction may be natural, it’s neither encouraging, accepting nor validating, nor does it build communication or emotional safety. ’nuff said?
Blaming
“What did you do to her?” “Well, if you had just studied!” “Of course it died! You never changed the water!” “That’s what happens when you overeat.”The energy in this response is very similar to attacking and shaming (above), and like those responses, simply adds stress and defensiveness to the equation (and relationship).
Challenging
“Why does that bother you?”This response requires child to shift from the affect (feeling his feelings) to the cognitive (describing and explaining them). It asks the child to defend his feelings, and suggests the need to convince the adult that the feelings are legitimate in order to get the adult’s approval or acceptance. Bottom line: It really doesn’t matter why something is bothering someone; it just matters that it does.
Enmeshing
“Well I never had a problem with math.” “So now you know how I feel.” “Your problems really give me a headache.” “That wouldn’t bother me.”Shifts focus from the child to the adult. Disrespectful of child’s reality and experience. Confusing, distracting.
Responses that attempt to fix it or make it better
Dynamic: Makes adult responsible for child’s problems,
allows adult to feel important. Suggests a mistrust for child’s ability
to resolve problems. Also shifts out of affective experience (feeling
a feeling) to cognitive process (solving a problem).
Outcome: Reduced sense of responsibility for problems
(for child); lack of confidence in problem-solving abilities; helplessness;
using feelings to get “rescued.” Dismisses feelings in favor
of action (a separate process that tends to go better when not undertaken
in the throes of intense feelings).
Examples:
Rescuing
“Here. Let me see those math problems.” “OK. You can have the car again next weekend if you have a good enough excuse for breaking curfew.” “Look, I’ll talk to your teacher about it.” “That’s OK. I’ll pay those insurance premiums.”Takes responsibility for problem instead of listening, hearing, reflecting and holding other person accountable (which we can do and still be supportive, accepting and encouraging). Does not suggest trust for child’s ability to solve problem and robs them of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. Encourages dependence.
Advising
“Go study and you won’t feel so scared about that test.” “Tell her how you feel.” “You know if you cut your hair and lost five pounds you wouldn’t feel that way.” “Just ignore her.”Takes responsibility for problem. May not address actual probelm; may create additional problems if advice is followed. This aproach is often by adults who see the child’s vulnerability as an opportunity to assert their own agendas. Distracts from affect. Does not suggest trust for child’s ability to solve problem and robs them of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. Encourages dependence, blame.
Alternatives to advice-giving are available on a separate page.
To become more responsive and supportive— not only in relationships with children, but with adults, as well— start paying attention to the responses you rely on most frequently. Avoiding these non-supportive patterns, common though they may be, can make an enormous difference in the connection you have with others. Links to alternatives to the above responses are listed below.
Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA. Similar issues are addressed in Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, as well as Parents, Teens & Boundaries, both by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL.
Buy Creating Emotionally Safe Schools
Buy Parents, Teens & Boundaries
This page is also available in Spanish and in French.
See related handouts:
Alternatives to Non-Supportive Responses
Beliefs that Help Create a Safe Emotional Environment
Is Your School an Emotionally Safe Place?
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.
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Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.
Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane Bluestein
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