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3 Metas Para Mantener En Mente
por Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Note: This is a draft version of this page. The final version may include additional translations of links that are currently in English and corrections of errors in the translation or typing that are found by proofreader.
This page includes a list of non-supportive responses to children’s feelings and problems. Any one of these patterns can create stress and mistrust in the relationship, and block communications.
Hacer que los sentimientos desaparezcan:
Proposito: Proteger a los niños de sus sentimientos
y proteger a adultos que se sienten incómodos con los sentimientos
de los niños.
Resultado: Niños que no se sienten seguros de
si mismo, confusión, necesidad de “ignorar/esconder”
los sentimientos, los sentimentos son malos.
Ejemplos:
Rechazo
“Esto no es para tanto.”Discounts impact of an event or experience on the child; does not respect the validity or reality of his or her experience.
Excusa
“Esa no fue su intención.” “Ha de estar pasando por un mal rato.”Rather than encouraging compassion (a valuable skill to teach in a non-conflict time) these responses are likewise disrespectful. They also carry the dangerous implication that as long as someone has an excuse, it’s OK for them to be thoughtless or mean (or worse).
Negar
“No te sientes así.” “Los niños on odian a sus hermanos.”Just plain crazy-making; can confuse, distract; suggests that the child’s reality isn’t real.
Distraer
“Pero eres tan bueno en otras materias.” “Tu crees que tú tienes problemas!”Confusing; disrespectful of the child’s reality and experience. Note that this last example may be one of the most dangerous things we can say to a young person, especially if he or she is feeling depressed or self-destructive.
Medicar
Usa alguna sustancia (como la comida) o actividad (como tarea, televisión, quehaceres, ir de compras) para distraer al niño de sus sentimientos. Can set up or reinforce an association between emotional discomfort and the need to get out of those feelings by taking or doing something.
Hacer sentir al niño como persona mala por tener sentimientos
Proposito: Es una forma en la cúal el adulto se
sienta mejor, impaciencia, frustración o sentimientos de inseguridad
provocados por los sentimientos del niño.
Resultado: El niño se siente avergonzado/malo,
defensivo; los sentimientos son malos.
Ejemplos:
Atacar/Avergonzar
“Te avise que esto iba a pasar.” “No seas cobarde/sensible.” “Eres un malagradecido.” “Cómo pudiste haber sido tan tonto!”OK, now the kid has two problems and you’re one of them. While this reaction may be natural, it’s neither encouraging, accepting nor validating, nor does it build communication or emotional safety. ’nuff said?
Culpar
“¿Qué le hiciste?” “Eso pasa cuando _______ .”The energy in this response is very similar to attacking and shaming (above), and like those responses, simply adds stress and defensiveness to the equation (and relationship).
Desafiar
“¿Por qué te molesta éso?”This response requires child to shift from the affect (feeling his feelings) to the cognitive (describing and explaining them). It asks the child to defend his feelings, and suggests the need to convince the adult that the feelings are legitimate in order to get the adult’s approval or acceptance. Bottom line: It really doesn’t matter why something is bothering someone; it just matters that it does.
Enredar
“Yo nunca tuve problemas en matemáticas.” “Ahora ya sabes como me siento yo.” “Tus problemas me dan dolor de cabeza.”Shifts focus from the child to the adult. Disrespectful of child’s reality and experience. Confusing, distracting.
Arreglarlo y mejorarlo
Proposito: El adulto se responsabiliza por los problemas
del niño y permite que el adulto se sienta importante. Suggests
a mistrust for child’s ability to resolve problems. Also shifts
out of affective experience (feeling a feeling) to cognitive process (solving
a problem).
Resultado: Reduce el sentido de la responsabilidad por
los problemas en el niño; aprende a ser incapaz de resolver sus
proprios problemas; usa sus sentimientos para ser rescatado. Dismisses
feelings in favor of action (a separate process that tends to go better
when not undertaken in the throes of intense feelings).
Ejemplos:
Rescatar
“Ven aquí y tráeme tu tarea de matemáticas.” “Yo hablaré con tu maestra.”Takes responsibility for problem instead of listening, hearing, reflecting and holding other person accountable (which we can do and still be supportive, accepting and encouraging). Does not suggest trust for child’s ability to solve problem and robs them of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. Encourages dependence.
Consejos
“Estudia y ya no le vas a temer tanto al examen.” “Ignórala.” “Si te cortas el pelo y bajas de peso ya no te sentirás así.”Takes responsibility for problem. May not address actual probelm; may create additional problems if advice is followed. This aproach is often by adults who see the child’s vulnerability as an opportunity to assert their own agendas. Distracts from affect. Does not suggest trust for child’s ability to solve problem and robs them of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. Encourages dependence, blame.
To become more responsive and supportive— not only in relationships with children, but with adults, as well— start paying attention to the responses you rely on most frequently. Avoiding these non-supportive patterns, common though they may be, can make an enormous difference in the connection you have with others.
Excerpted and adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA. Similar issues are addressed in Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, as well as Parents, Teens & Boundaries, both by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL. Translated by Graciela Cueva and Monet Millard Templeton, Encinitas Union School District, Encinitas, CA. Additional translation by E. Ann Worthington, Executive Director, New Hope Charitable Foundation.
Para comprar The Win-Win Classroom, teclee aqui
Para comprar Creating Emotionally Safe Schools, teclee aquí
Para comprar Parents, Teens & Boundaries, teclee aquí
This page is available in English and in French.
Alternativas Que Apoyan a los Sentimentos
Beliefs that Help Create a Safe Emotional Environment
Teclee aquí para más selecciones de libros y revistas.
Teclee aquí para una lista de recursos de presentaciones escritos por Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
See related handouts:
Alternatives to Non-Supportive Responses
Beliefs that Help Create a Safe Emotional Environment
Is Your School an Emotionally Safe Place?
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.
Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.
Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.
Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Humor and Fun: Brighten your day with fun facts, short pieces about kids, pets and work, and hilarious things kids say, do and write. Includes items you can share with kids or use as a springboard for discussions and activities.
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