3 Metas Para Mantener En Mente

Rechazo
“Esto no es para tanto.”

Discounts impact of an event or experience on the child; does not respect the validity or reality of his or her experience.

Excusa
“Esa no fue su intención.” “Ha de estar pasando por un mal rato.”

Rather than encouraging compassion (a valuable skill to teach in a non-conflict time) these responses are likewise disrespectful. They also carry the dangerous implication that as long as someone has an excuse, it’s OK for them to be thoughtless or mean (or worse).

Negar
“No te sientes así.” “Los niños on odian a sus hermanos.”

Just plain crazy-making; can confuse, distract; suggests that the child’s reality isn’t real.

Distraer
“Pero eres tan bueno en otras materias.” “Tu crees que tú tienes problemas!”

Confusing; disrespectful of the child’s reality and experience. Note that this last example may be one of the most dangerous things we can say to a young person, especially if he or she is feeling depressed or self-destructive.

Medicar
Usa alguna sustancia (como la comida) o actividad (como tarea, televisión, quehaceres, ir de compras) para distraer al niño de sus sentimientos. Can set up or reinforce an association between emotional discomfort and the need to get out of those feelings by taking or doing something.

Atacar/Avergonzar
“Te avise que esto iba a pasar.” “No seas cobarde/sensible.” “Eres un malagradecido.” “Cómo pudiste haber sido tan tonto!”

OK, now the kid has two problems and you’re one of them. While this reaction may be natural, it’s neither encouraging, accepting nor validating, nor does it build communication or emotional safety. ’nuff said?

Culpar
“¿Qué le hiciste?” “Eso pasa cuando _______ .”

The energy in this response is very similar to attacking and shaming (above), and like those responses, simply adds stress and defensiveness to the equation (and relationship).

Desafiar
“¿Por qué te molesta éso?”

This response requires child to shift from the affect (feeling his feelings) to the cognitive (describing and explaining them). It asks the child to defend his feelings, and suggests the need to convince the adult that the feelings are legitimate in order to get the adult’s approval or acceptance. Bottom line: It really doesn’t matter why something is bothering someone; it just matters that it does.

Enredar
“Yo nunca tuve problemas en matemáticas.” “Ahora ya sabes como me siento yo.” “Tus problemas me dan dolor de cabeza.”

Shifts focus from the child to the adult. Disrespectful of child’s reality and experience. Confusing, distracting.

Rescatar
“Ven aquí y tráeme tu tarea de matemáticas.” “Yo hablaré con tu maestra.”

Takes responsibility for problem instead of listening, hearing, reflecting and holding other person accountable (which we can do and still be supportive, accepting and encouraging). Does not suggest trust for child’s ability to solve problem and robs them of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. Encourages dependence.

Consejos
“Estudia y ya no le vas a temer tanto al examen.” “Ignórala.” “Si te cortas el pelo y bajas de peso ya no te sentirás así.”

Takes responsibility for problem. May not address actual probelm; may create additional problems if advice is followed. This aproach is often by adults who see the child’s vulnerability as an opportunity to assert their own agendas. Distracts from affect. Does not suggest trust for child’s ability to solve problem and robs them of an opportunity to develop problem-solving skill or confidence in their ability to handle difficulties they encounter. Encourages dependence, blame.