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What’s Wrong with
“I-Messages”?
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
This is a handout to accompany a free online article, “What’s Wrong with ‘I-Messages’?”
Description:
Formula for expressing feelings in conjunction with another person’s behavior: “When you _______, I feel ________ (and I want you to _________)” in order to get the other person to change his or her behavior (act differently).
Problems:
- They are still “You” messages, literally (verbally) and energetically, carrying a message of blame: Your emotional state is the fault of someone else’s behavior. (“Victim” talk.)
- They put the responsibility for your feelings and emotional well-being on someone else.
- They assume that the other person is invested in your emotional well being and would be willing to change his or her behavior to care-take you. This is especially not true of typical playground or hallway social dynamics.
- They give a great deal of power to someone who may not have your best interests at heart, someone who may, in fact, be hoping to cause you discomfort, embarrassment, inconvenience or pain.
- If someone’s intention is, indeed, to hurt you, “I messages” tell that person that his or her strategies for doing so are effective and, in fact, working!
- Few child relationships have (or should have) the intimacy required for dealing with the emotional impact of behaviors—and such intimacy is neither necessary nor relevant for generating cooperative, respectful behavior.
- Kids who are willing to change their behavior so other people won’t feel sad or angry may be particularly vulnerable to peer pressure and often have a hard time making good decisions on their own behalf. Their behavior tends to be other-motivated and people-pleasing, patterns which carry their own dangers and risks. (See, “10 Dangers of Encouraging Obedience and People Pleasing.”)
- There are other, better ways to generate cooperation from others, regardless of their personal feelings for you
Alternatives:
- Dealing with confrontation by “agreeing” and changing the subject.
- Requesting different behavior (or that a certain behavior stop): “Pleasse stop kicking my chair.” “I don’t like that word. Please don’t use it around me.” “Please don’t touch the stuff on my desk.” (No need to justify or explain why.)
- Stating a preference: “I don’t care to discuss that.” (And then cheerfully change the subject, redirect discussion.)
- Set a boundary, using a promise with a positive consequence: “I don’t play with people who call me names.” “I don’t date people who hit.” “I’ll be happy to continue this discussion when you stop yelling at me.”
- Simply refusing to engage or respond is also appropriate in some instances.
Excerpt from The Win-Win Classroom:
One preschool teacher shared a response she overheard from a student who was being teased about her hair. Imagine a three-year-old confident enough to tell her classmate, “You’re not in charge of my hair!” If we can teach children to say “When you . . ., I feel . . .”, we can certainly teach them to set boundaries to ask for what they want. Indeed, I would much rather have students who said “I don’t date people who hit” than ones who talked about how being hit made them feel.
Adapted from The Win-Win Classroom, revised edition, by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. © 2008, Corwin Publishing, Thousand Oaks, CA.
Click here for a free copy of the article, “What’s Wrong with ‘I-Messages’?”
Characteristics of Healthy Adult-Child Relationships
See other handouts and excerpts from The Win-Win Classroom:
Guidelines for Offering Choices
Guidelines for Reinforcing Positive Behavior
Dealing Successfully with your Students’ Parents
Other handouts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all handouts on this site.
Articles and excerpts by Dr. Jane Bluestein
Complete alphabetical listing of all articles on this site.
Complete listing of all articles and handouts in Spanish or French.
Books, Articles, Audio and Video Resources and other Resources by Dr. Jane Bluestein
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